Sunday, December 28, 2008

the unified theory of everything

as expressed by the six toothpaste tubes in my bathroom, and the exhortation on each: FOR BEST RESULTS, SQUEEZE TUBE FROM THE BOTTOM AND FLATTEN AS YOU GO UP

1) go to the store and look at the different types of toothpaste! there are so many! some have Scope (TM) or Listerine (TM) or tiny, tiny breath strips in them! toothpaste is so fun i forgot i already have six half used tubes at home!

2) when tube is full, squeeze in the middle! it doesn't matter! the best part is the very first squeeze! i wish they made toothpaste tubes that were only first squeezes! why bother squeezing tube from the bottom and flattening? we'll NEVER need to do that! this will be full FOREVER!!!

3) shit, the tube is not full enough to squeeze in the middle and have toothpaste come out anymore. silently resent toothpaste tube.

4) glance covetously at your roommate's toothpaste, which is AquaFresh, and always comes out in those three stripes, but you suspect is made out of pure sugar.

5) wonder if you should be using the Tom's of Maine that's in the bathroom, but remember that it tastes like drywall, and besides you'd have to squeeze from the bottom, and in your high-stress lifestyle, who has time?

6) squeeze tube from bottom and flatten as you go up. one time. wipe off of toothbrush, squeeze roommate's tube of sparkly Kidz XTREME toothpaste from middle.

7) stop by CVS because it was "on your way" (it wasn't); buy new shampoo bottle and box of cereal, since your house is only full of almost-but-not-quite-entirely-used bottles and boxes of each, and while you're there, go back to step 1).

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