Sunday, December 28, 2008

the unified theory of everything

as expressed by the six toothpaste tubes in my bathroom, and the exhortation on each: FOR BEST RESULTS, SQUEEZE TUBE FROM THE BOTTOM AND FLATTEN AS YOU GO UP

1) go to the store and look at the different types of toothpaste! there are so many! some have Scope (TM) or Listerine (TM) or tiny, tiny breath strips in them! toothpaste is so fun i forgot i already have six half used tubes at home!

2) when tube is full, squeeze in the middle! it doesn't matter! the best part is the very first squeeze! i wish they made toothpaste tubes that were only first squeezes! why bother squeezing tube from the bottom and flattening? we'll NEVER need to do that! this will be full FOREVER!!!

3) shit, the tube is not full enough to squeeze in the middle and have toothpaste come out anymore. silently resent toothpaste tube.

4) glance covetously at your roommate's toothpaste, which is AquaFresh, and always comes out in those three stripes, but you suspect is made out of pure sugar.

5) wonder if you should be using the Tom's of Maine that's in the bathroom, but remember that it tastes like drywall, and besides you'd have to squeeze from the bottom, and in your high-stress lifestyle, who has time?

6) squeeze tube from bottom and flatten as you go up. one time. wipe off of toothbrush, squeeze roommate's tube of sparkly Kidz XTREME toothpaste from middle.

7) stop by CVS because it was "on your way" (it wasn't); buy new shampoo bottle and box of cereal, since your house is only full of almost-but-not-quite-entirely-used bottles and boxes of each, and while you're there, go back to step 1).

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

god only knows

there is a picture, somewhere, of brian wilson and a goat. he is wearing this coat (from the pet sounds album cover shoot). i need it.

Monday, December 22, 2008


i'm going back to the ol' place-of-work tonight, i think, for a holiday potluck. i also get to pick up my winnings-- one bottle of bourbon, and some scratch for winning the fantasy football season (UruguayUnited comes through huge). this should keep me going for a few more weeks.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

alec, you might ask, gently,

why are you recording seven minutes of rain? why, also, are you recording seven more minutes of rain bouncing off the skylights? why, also, are you inevitably going to pan one into one channel and one into another?

why, you ask?

Why? Because I believe life is for the living. I believe in taking risks and biting off more than you can chew. And also, people were yelling and I got confused about the rules.

and, most importantly, BECAUSE I CAN

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

new song up

may it inspire you to be, and look, more like will oldham.


reading this feels like the News of the Weird stupid criminal section in the CityPaper

jesus christ, blago, you are the WORST.

Throughout the intercepted conversations, Blagojevich also allegedly spent significant time weighing the option of appointing himself to the open Senate seat and expressed a variety of reasons for doing so, including: frustration at being "stuck" as governor; a belief that he will be able to obtain greater resources if he is indicted as a sitting Senator as opposed to a sitting governor; a desire to remake his image in consideration of a possible run for President in 2016; avoiding impeachment by the Illinois legislature; making corporate contacts that would be of value to him after leaving public office; facilitating his wife's employment as a lobbyist; and generating speaking fees should he decide to leave public office. (link)

I can see it now: Rod Blagojevich, standing on stage, flanked by his family and his vice presidential pick, Mobutu Sese Seko, declaring victory and then diving into a
pool of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck.

thank you, at least, for looking so sleazy that we all should have seen this coming since day 1. but, you say, thank goodness that none of the upstanding politicians in squeaky-clean Illinois encouraged him in this behavior! cue daily show-style incriminating clip.

According to the statement from prosecutors, Mr. Blagojevich told an adviser last week that he might “get some (money) upfront, maybe” from one of the candidates hoping to replace Mr. Obama. That person was identified only as “Candidate 5.”

In an earlier recorded conversation, prosecutors say, Mr. Blagojevich said he was approached by an associate of “Candidate 5” with an offer of $500,000 in exchange for the Senate seat. (link)

Friday, December 5, 2008

i just want to remind you all of this

it's very much in keeping with my blog title.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Monday, December 1, 2008

a gem from dowd's mostly dumb vanity fair article on tina fey


Watching a parade consisting of Mark Wahlberg, a donkey, Palin, and her Secret Service agents, a visiting screenwriter observed, “This is like a Fellini movie.”