Wednesday, September 1, 2010

i don't know but i've been told: you'll never die and you'll never grow old

september! i didn't plan on starting you off by reading through my old LJ, in reverse chronological order, becoming more mortified as the self-involvement went from huge to monumental and the writing went from bad to uniquely horrific. i was especially struck by the lack of empathy, and the sense of entitlement, and the meanness, smallness, and pettiness-- especially because i remember feeling the way i was feeling at all the different times that i wrote all the different things and i'm almost sure i didn't mean to be that way. the facts are stark: i was that way. ow.

so then i started looking through old songs, and old records, and of course gmail; the damn thing saves so much. i was especially struck by the seeming endlessness:

1-20 of thousands

totally nonchalant.

my point is not about the past specifically, though to say sorry for being such a nightmare to everyone, always, is probably a worthwhile thing to do every time i can; it's more about remembering and taking stock and, hopefully, identifying progress. i'm sure it'll happen plenty of times in the next two months before i move to norway, but i'm glad i kind of stumbled into it without any emotional push. i do a lot of internalizing and compartmentalizing (i like to think of insides as an elaborate, high tech recycling center), especially these days, so it is actually nice to dive into the history books and see what i've been avoiding and what i've forgotten.

still, it's nice to feel like there's been some progress. wiser, not wise; older, not old.

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